Living in Fear

Last night I almost overheated my baby and I’m still trembling at the thought of what could have happened. In addition to the thick wool pajamas he had on, we slept with the heat on automatic. Something we never do and something I will never do again. I heard him crying but due to going to bed at 2:30am, I was just too tired to move. My S.O. was knocked out too and I think we were both waiting it out. It wasn’t one of those – I’m-hungry-feed-me-cries because I fed him before I crawled in the bed. It was, however, a cry I had not heard before. I don’t know how much time passed before I jumped out of bed but something told me this cry needed attention.

I took him out of his crib and he was on fire. My heart was racing at the thought of him being overheated so I rushed to strip him down to bare bones. I told my S.O. to hurry up and get some water and then took him closer to the window for some cool air. I held him in my arms so tight until his skin began to cool down, feeling guilty all the while because I did not heed his cry sooner. I’m not quite sure if I would have been this frantic a couple of months ago but after the pool incident on October 24, I have been living in fear of losing one of my kids in my presence.

On October 24, the family and I went to a friend’s to celebrate her son’s third birthday. It was a small gathering of three families and six kids. None of us had any idea our lives would be forever affected by day’s end. After singing happy birthday and cutting the cake, the gentlemen went to the store while us three ladies stayed behind with the kids to chat. The hostess lived in an apartment complex similar to Melrose Place where the pool is located in the center and a deck is on a level just above the pool. The upper level is where we were chilling out while the children played.

Unbeknownst to us, one of the kids ventured over to the pool and ended up at the bottom of 7 feet. I’ll spare the suspense and let you know the 3-year old girl is all right. The hostess was the first one to jump in the pool. I grabbed the first phone I could find with my 7-month-old baby on my hip. My hands were shaking so bad I could barely dial 9-1-1. I noticed my girlfriend was holding on to the edge of the pool. She tried to go under but was paralyzed and in shock over the whole situation.

The little girl’s mom could not swim so I frantically screamed for someone to take my baby so I could jump in. Residents started coming out of their apartments when they heard the commotion. Once I had my hands free, I jumped in. All I could think about was this baby girl’s mom is standing at the top of the pool helplessly watching. What I learned at that moment was that not only am I out of shape but I’m not a strong swimmer. For the life of me, I could not get to the bottom of the pool. It was the worst feeling in the world.

To make matters worse, the residents of this community could not swim. Not one resident that came out was able to swim. In their defense, the average age appeared to be about 65. One of them had a walker. A couple of residents grabbed pool cleaner poles and began pushing the little girl to more shallow water. I don’t know how much time passed but the gentlemen returned and as soon as my S.O. realized what was going on, he had the baby girl out of the pool in the blink of an eye. My girlfriend’s husband started to give mouth to mouth as water continually gushed out of this childe. I finally heard sirens and ran to the front door. Unless someone buzzes you in, you cannot enter the complex so I didn’t want any time to be wasted. The first police on the scene scooped up baby girl and the mom was right behind him. With the Lord on our side, a hospital was right around the corner. What we later found out is that the officer did not feel a pulse, which is why he whisked her off so fast. What we were going through at this point was unimaginable and surreal. We didn’t know if she was dead or alive and I can’t imagine being in that moment knowing she did not have a pulse when she left.


There is a God and he was watching over this baby girl that day. The staff at the hospital was ready to pronounce her dead but there was an angel in the form of a nurse who refused to quit. So she pumped and she pumped and she pumped until she got a pulse. And a pulse is what she got! Once she was stabilized, they were able to transfer her to Children’s Hospital where there was medical staff who specialized in pediatrics. The night was long for me so imagine how long it was for this precious girl’s mother.

Thankfully, this story has a happy ending. After being at the bottom of 7 feet of water for an undetermined amount of time, this little 4-year old walked out of the hospital 2 weeks later just as exuberant as she was before she fell into the pool. No brain damage or problems to speak of. It is the grown ups who are left to heal. And this is why I live in fear. This is why I am more vigilant over my kids than I have ever been before. This is why I wake up in the middle of the night to see if my three kids are still breathing. This is why I vacuum with reckless abandon, paranoid that my baby boy will catch something in his mouth that he shouldn’t have.

As a Christian, faith and fear cannot coexist. I grapple with my worry and put my faith in Him. However, the human side of me who experienced this near loss of life can’t help at times, to be overzealous in my quest for safety.